The Three Realities and the Net
Stay on your side of the net — speak only to behavior and your own reaction, never the other person's motives
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~weeks to results
- Steps
- 4
- Confidence
- 95%
In any exchange there are three realities: your intent, your (or their) observable behavior, and the impact on the other person. Each party is only privy to two of the three. The single biggest feedback mistake is jumping 'over the net' to assert the other person's reality — their motives or feelings — which you cannot actually know and which instantly triggers defensiveness.
Origin
A core construct of Carole Robin and David Bradford's Stanford 'Touchy Feely' course and their book 'Connect.' Robin notes the resulting feedback formula parallels Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication ('ours came before, but that's okay').
Core principles
- 01Reality 1 = my intent, background, history. Reality 2 = the observable behavior (verbal or non-verbal). Reality 3 = the impact on the other person.
- 02You share only Reality 2 (behavior); you can never directly access the other person's Reality.
- 03A metaphorical 'net' sits between the realities — 'stay on your side of the net.'
- 04Crossing the net ('you don't care,' 'you're insensitive') states attributions and imputed motives, not feelings, and provokes defensiveness.
- 05'I feel that…' or 'I feel like…' is almost always an over-the-net attribution, not a real feeling.
How to run it
- 1
Name the behavior objectively (Reality 2)
Describe only what a video camera would capture — the specific words or actions. 'When I speak and the only thing I get back is a grunt or an affectless repetition of what I just said.'
Pro tip Ask: would anybody watching the video agree this is what happened? If yes, you're on your side of the net.
Watch out Labels like 'rude' or 'self-involved' are not behaviorally specific — they're over the net and will make the person defensive.
- 2
State your genuine feeling (Reality 1)
Pull a word from the actual vocabulary of feelings — hurt, scared, distanced, shut down. This is your reality and is unarguable.
Pro tip Grammar hack: you can't say 'I feel that sad' or 'I feel like disappointed.' If 'that' or 'like' fits after 'I feel,' you've crossed the net.
Watch out 'I feel you don't care' and 'I feel you're insensitive' are attributions, not feelings.
- 3
Give the reason / desired outcome
Explain why you're sharing: 'I'm telling you this because…' or 'I'm hoping the outcome of you knowing this is…' — signaling investment in the person and relationship.
- 4
Move to a joint problem-solving conversation
The purpose of constructive feedback is not to change the person but to negotiate behaviors that work better for both. Explore a mutual fix.
Pro tip Robin's husband asked for 15 minutes to unwind before undivided attention — a concrete, negotiated behavior change.
Watch out Don't try to change the other person; change the behaviors between you.
In the wild
Robin rushed home to an overwhelmed evening and told her newspaper-reading husband 'you're not listening,' then 'how can you be so insensitive.' Both are over-the-net attributions. Only when she described the behavior ('the only thing I get back is a grunt or affectless repetition') and her feeling ('I don't feel heard, and when I don't feel heard I feel hurt') could they problem-solve.
→ They negotiated a 15-minute unwind window; the reframe held for 37+ years of marriage.
A leader opens a meeting saying he wants to hear from everyone, then repeatedly talks over or ignores a colleague's contributions. Rather than calling him out publicly, she goes to his office: 'when I started to say X you did Y… I felt shut down and less inclined to offer my opinion… I wondered whether you knew that was the impact.'
→ Delivers the impact without embarrassment or attribution, opening a problem-solving path instead of a defensive fight.
Common mistakes
Stating attributions as feelings
'I feel that you don't care' imputes a motive you can't verify and makes the other person defensive — 'that's where we make our biggest mistakes when it comes to feedback.'
Using labels instead of behavior
'Rude' or 'self-involved' aren't behaviorally specific; they invite defensiveness. Cite the observable act ('I was interrupted three times') instead.
Is it for you?
Best for
Anyone giving interpersonal feedback — managers, co-founders, spouses — who wants to be heard rather than trigger a defensive reaction
Not ideal for
Pure task or performance feedback where interpersonal impact isn't the issue (though unresolved interpersonal issues will poison those too)
From the transcript
“there is my intent how I see the world my background my history there is what I do or say or don't do”
“so I know what's going on for me and I know what I did I have no idea what happened on your end”
“stay on your side of the that meaning stick with the two realities”
“I feel that you don't care and I feel you're being insensitive are not feelings they're attributions and imputed motives and that's where we make…”
“the formula is when you do insert Behavior I feel pull out the vocabulary of feelings and I'm telling you this because”
“you're almost guaranteed to be over the net when you start I feel and put in like or that”
From the episode
How to build deeper, more robust relationships
Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”)