The Six Characteristics of Exceptional Relationships
A diagnostic checklist of six qualities that mark how far a relationship sits along the contact-to-exceptional continuum
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~months to results
- Steps
- 6
- Confidence
- 90%
Relationships exist on a continuum from 'contact and no connection' (dysfunction) through functional and robust to exceptional. Six specific characteristics define the exceptional end, and the degree to which each is present tells you how far along the continuum a given relationship sits. The same interpersonal skills move any relationship rightward; you then choose which few to take all the way.
Origin
From Carole Robin and David Bradford's book 'Connect' and the Stanford 'Touchy Feely' course; the continuum and six-characteristic model are their framework.
Core principles
- 01Relationships sit on a continuum: contact/no-connection → functional → robust → exceptional.
- 02Thousands of Facebook friends are 'contact, no connection' — not relationships.
- 03The same skills move any relationship along the continuum; not every relationship needs to become exceptional.
- 04A relationship is exceptional when you don't have to hide important parts of yourself and can handle major issues even when it feels scary.
- 05All parties are works in progress, so every relationship is a work in progress — what worked two years ago may not work now.
How to run it
- 1
Am I better known by you?
Assess how fully you allow yourself to be known — requires disclosure skill.
- 2
Do I know you better?
Assess how well you know the other person — requires inquiry skill.
- 3
Do we trust our disclosures won't be used against us?
Mutual confidence that vulnerability is safe.
- 4
Can we be honest with each other?
The capacity for candid feedback in both directions.
Pro tip This is where the feedback frameworks (three realities, pinch/crunch) do their work.
- 5
Can we resolve conflict productively?
A shared ability to work through disagreement rather than avoid or escalate it.
- 6
Are we committed to each other's learning and growth?
Mutual investment in the other becoming better.
Pro tip When all six are present to varying degrees, you've moved farther toward exceptional.
In the wild
Robin places 'thousands of Facebook friends' at the contact/no-connection end and defines the exceptional end by the six characteristics, noting you needn't make every relationship exceptional — just acquire the skills, then choose a few to deepen fully.
→ A practical map: diagnose where each relationship sits and decide deliberately which to invest in.
Common mistakes
Trying to make every relationship exceptional
Robin calls this 'impractical' and 'unnecessary' — the goal is to acquire the skills to reach at least robust, then choose selectively.
Treating a relationship as static
Both people keep changing, so the relationship is always a work in progress; assuming what worked before still works is a mistake.
Is it for you?
Best for
People who want a concrete diagnostic to assess and deliberately deepen specific personal or professional relationships
Not ideal for
Fleeting or purely transactional contacts where robust connection isn't the goal
From the transcript
“relationships exist on a Continuum at one end of the Continuum is contact and no connection”
“the first one is you know I'm better known by you… the second one is I know you better… the third one is we trust…”
“your relationship has become exceptional when you and the other person don't have to hide important parts of yourself”
“we're all works in progress which means every relationship in your life is a work in progress”
From the episode
How to build deeper, more robust relationships
Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”)