Repair: What Did You Hear Me Say?
When a response feels wildly off, ask 'what did you hear me say?' — then re-try from what they actually heard
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~days to results
- Steps
- 4
- Confidence
- 90%
No matter how skilled you are, feedback and offers sometimes go sideways. Repair is the learnable skill of recovering when that happens. Its central move: when someone reacts in a way that seems out of whack with what you said, ask 'what did you hear me say?' — because nine times out of ten what they heard is not what you said. Then you can re-try from their actual interpretation.
Origin
A named skill in Carole Robin and David Bradford's 'Touchy Feely' and Leaders in Tech; their facilitators deliberately allow 'messes' so participants can practice repair.
Core principles
- 01No level of skill guarantees success — you're shifting probabilities, not guaranteeing outcomes.
- 02When a reaction seems out of whack, the gap is usually between what you said and what they heard.
- 03Net-jumping invites net-jumping; a label from you provokes a defensive counter-label.
- 04Repair often means restating from their heard-version, not re-asserting your original words.
How to run it
- 1
Notice the unexpected, out-of-whack reaction
When someone responds far more strongly or differently than your words seem to warrant, treat it as a signal, not an attack.
Watch out Don't escalate or defend your original wording ('that's not what I said') — it deepens the rift.
- 2
Ask 'what did you hear me say?'
Redirect to their interpretation. 'Nine times out of ten what they heard is not what you said.' Robin's husband heard 'I didn't know what I was doing' from a simple offer to help.
- 3
Validate the reaction given what they heard
Once you understand their interpretation, acknowledge it: 'now that I understand that's what you heard, I understand why you reacted the way you did.'
Pro tip Genuine gratitude works: 'wow, really glad I asked.'
- 4
Re-try and negotiate a future behavior
Restate your true intent and ask what they'd prefer next time. 'One of the ways I show I love you is I offer to help — what would you like me to do when I see you struggling?'
In the wild
Robin offers 'can I help you with that?'; her struggling husband snaps 'don't tell me what to do.' Instead of defending, she asks 'what did you hear me say?' — he heard 'I didn't know what I was doing.' She validates, re-explains her intent, and asks what he'd prefer.
→ He says 'wait for me to ask'; the negotiated repair has served the marriage for 25+ years.
Common mistakes
Defending your original wording
Insisting 'that's not what I said' ignores that the person is reacting to what they heard, and hardens defensiveness.
Responding to a net-jump with your own net-jump
Labeling back ('you're overreacting') invites more net-jumping; repair requires curiosity about the misheard message instead.
Is it for you?
Best for
Anyone whose feedback or offers occasionally land badly and who wants to recover the relationship rather than escalate
Not ideal for
Situations where the reaction is proportionate and accurate — repair is for genuine misinterpretation, not for dodging valid criticism
From the transcript
“no matter how good you are no matter how skilled you get… sometimes it won't work and then you've got to know how to repair”
“go back to what did you hear me say because nine times out of 10 what they heard is not what you said”
“he said I heard you say I didn't know what I was doing”
“net jumping invites net jumping”
From the episode
How to build deeper, more robust relationships
Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”)