Hard Feedback, Both Directions
Receive: feel it, don't react, come back curious. Give: state the care out loud, then be direct about perception.
- Difficulty
- Advanced
- Time to result
- ~ongoing to results
- Steps
- 7
- Confidence
- 95%
A two-sided protocol for hard feedback. Receiving: let yourself fully feel the emotional wave without judging yourself for it, refuse to react while you're in it, then return with curiosity to investigate where the feedback is coming from — and filter it against what the company actually needs. Giving: explicitly say you care and why you're giving it (don't hope they infer it), prep heavily, frame in terms of perception rather than accusation, and co-create the fix.
Origin
Anneka Gupta; surfaced by her colleague Hema Mohan as a skill she is world-class at. The care-plus-directness combination maps closely to Kim Scott's Radical Candor, which Lenny Rachitsky names on the episode.
Core principles
- 01All feedback is valid — people's feelings are valid — but that doesn't mean you must act on all of it.
- 02Never react while inside the emotional wave; the wave may take hours or days.
- 03Coming back curious makes people give you more feedback, because they see you're listening.
- 04Filter feedback through what the company needs from you right now: must-haves beat nice-to-haves.
- 05You control only your words and body language, not their reaction — so make the care explicit and visible.
- 06Passive-aggressive feedback is the worst feedback. Be direct.
How to run it
- 1
Receiving: let yourself feel it, and don't judge yourself for feeling it
When hard feedback lands — in a survey, a one-on-one, from a report or a peer — allow the defensiveness and upset. Step out of the room if you need to. Do not suppress it.
Pro tip Notice the physical signal: Gupta describes personal feedback about her or her team making her physiologically seize up.
- 2
Receiving: don't react until the wave passes
Whether that's a few hours or a few days, do not respond, do not say 'I don't believe this'. Just listen. Reaction inside the wave is what destroys the relationship and the information.
Watch out The instinct to immediately rebut is strongest exactly when the feedback cuts deepest.
- 3
Receiving: come back curious and investigate
Ask where the feedback is coming from and why. Go back to the person who gave it; ask a peer elsewhere in the org who has more context and flavour. Only then decide whether to act.
Pro tip Curiosity is what makes people give you more feedback next time — they can see you actually listen.
- 4
Receiving: filter against what the company needs
You can't make everyone happy — everyone wants something different from product. Anchor on what is best for the company and what it needs from you and your team right now. Sort into must-haves and nice-to-haves, and let the nice-to-haves go when the must-have list is full.
Pro tip Valid feedback and actionable feedback are different categories. Acknowledge validity; act selectively.
- 5
Giving: prep and start with their goals
Do a lot of prep before a hard feedback conversation: how do you frame this so it resonates and doesn't read as an attack? Often open by asking what they want and where they want to get in their career — feedback for an aspiring CPO differs completely from feedback for someone who wants to be the best IC possible.
Pro tip Asking their ambition first lets you tailor which items even matter enough to raise.
- 6
Giving: say the care out loud, then be direct
Explicitly say 'I care so much about you and I'm giving you this feedback because I want you to be successful and reach the pinnacle of what I know you can accomplish' — say it, don't hope they infer it, and show it in your body language. Then be direct: name the behaviour and give three concrete things they can do.
Watch out Passive-aggressive delivery is worse than the hard truth — it leaves them without the information and without the care.
- 7
Giving: frame as perception, then co-create the fix
Say 'this is how you are being perceived, including by me — but maybe this is not what you're intending', which grants the benefit of the doubt and turns a contested claim ('you are X' / 'no I'm not') into a solvable one. Then share your own examples, take questions, and brainstorm the fix together.
Pro tip Give examples of situations you have personally had to navigate — it moves you alongside them rather than above them.
Watch out Dumping feedback and leaving them to figure out what to do with it is not feedback; be part of the solution.
In the wild
When feedback becomes personal — 'the product team isn't listening', 'the product team has a bad culture', 'Anneka isn't listening' — Gupta notices a physical seizing-up. She lets herself feel it, doesn't react, then asks why they really feel that and what it means behaviorally that she, her team, or perhaps just two people on her team must do differently.
→ She converts an emotionally loaded org-wide accusation into a specific behavioral diagnosis — sometimes finding that someone extrapolated two people's behavior into a much bigger problem than it actually was.
Some feedback — 'we're not moving fast enough', or disparaging a product direction because a competitor is doing something else — Gupta understands the source of, but disagrees with. She acknowledges the feeling is valid while declining to change direction.
→ The feedback is heard and the relationship preserved, without the roadmap being re-litigated by every complaint.
Common mistakes
Reacting inside the emotional wave
Responding while defensive — 'I don't believe this' — signals you don't listen, and people stop giving you the feedback you need most.
Hoping they know you care
The care has to be said explicitly and shown in body language. Without the stated setup, even accurate, well-prepped feedback lands as an attack and the shield goes up.
Feedback as a drop-off
Delivering the critique and leaving the person to work out what to do with it abandons them at the hardest part. Brainstorm the fix with them.
Is it for you?
Best for
Managers and leaders who must give hard feedback that actually changes behavior, and who want to keep receiving honest feedback themselves.
Not ideal for
Urgent safety or conduct issues requiring immediate escalation, where a multi-day emotional processing window is inappropriate.
From the transcript
“let myself feel the things that I'm going to feel and then once that's passed whether that's a few hours or a few days don't…”
“when you come back curious people then want to give you more feedback because they know that you're listening”
“people's feelings are valid but doesn't mean that you need to do something about all of those things”
“I always try to anchor on well what is best for the company and what does the company need for me and from my team…”
“you don't just hope that they understand that you actually explicitly say that”
“I do a lot of prep before I give someone a lot of feedback I really think about like how can I frame this in…”
“this is how other people perceive you including me but maybe this is not what you are intending”
From the episode
Becoming more strategic, navigating difficult colleagues, harnessing founder mode, and more
Anneka Gupta (Chief Product Officer at Rubrik)