The Three Levels of Making Someone Feel Heard
Escalate from acknowledging, to reflecting words, to voicing the unspoken thoughts behind them
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~days to results
- Steps
- 4
- Confidence
- 90%
Feeling heard is not automatic from 'listening well.' Mochary offers three escalating tactics. The lightest acknowledges input was received; the middle reflects the person's words back until confirmed; the deepest voices the bigger, unspoken thoughts the person softened out of politeness. The process isn't complete until you also respond — accept the feedback and act, or explain your world so their feedback can change.
Origin
Developed by Matt Mochary as part of his feedback and one-on-one methodology.
Core principles
- 01People couch and soften feedback to avoid hurting you, so their words understate their thoughts
- 02Acknowledging receipt is the surface level of feeling heard
- 03Reflecting words back and confirming accuracy is a deeper level
- 04Voicing the person's likely unspoken thoughts is the deepest level
- 05Feeling heard is only half the process — you must then accept or explain
How to run it
- 1
Acknowledge receipt (surface level)
For group input, have everyone write their solution in a doc simultaneously; read each and say 'thank you, [name].' They know you at least read it.
Pro tip Simultaneous writing beats going around the room verbally, which takes forever.
- 2
Reflect their words back (middle level)
Ask them to say it verbally, then repeat it back: 'what I heard you say is X — is that right?' Repeat until they confirm 'yes, that's it.'
- 3
Voice the unspoken thoughts (deepest level)
Imagine the emotion behind their polished words, feel it yourself, and articulate the bigger thought: 'I think you're really thinking screw you Matt, how dare you…'. They confirm 'yes' or 'that's even stronger than I'd have said' — which means yes.
Pro tip Their real thoughts are almost always bigger than their words; naming them creates the strongest sense of being heard.
- 4
Close the loop by responding
After they feel heard, either accept the feedback and state what you'll do about it, or explain what's going on in your world so they understand why you can't accept it — often changing their feedback.
Watch out Stopping at 'feeling heard' without a response leaves the process unfinished.
In the wild
Mochary demonstrates the deepest level: guessing a person is angry, he feels that anger, then says 'what I'm hearing is you're pissed off and thinking screw you Matt, how dare you walk into the office and not even say hello — is that close?'
→ People respond either 'yes that is it' or 'that's stronger than I was thinking, but directionally right' — both meaning he correctly captured their real thoughts, making them feel deeply heard.
Common mistakes
Assuming their words equal their thoughts
People round the edges to avoid hurting you, so taking the softened words at face value misses the real, bigger thought — and the person doesn't feel truly heard.
Treating 'feeling heard' as the finish line
Making someone feel heard is only half the process; without then accepting-and-acting or explaining your own world, nothing is resolved and the feedback loop stays open.
Is it for you?
Best for
Managers giving/receiving feedback and anyone defusing an emotionally charged conversation
Not ideal for
Quick transactional exchanges where mirroring unspoken emotion would feel overwrought
From the transcript
“I ask you to say it verbally and then I repeat it back to you like Lenny I think what I heard you say is…”
“if I want to make you really feel heard I reflect back what I imagine are the thoughts in your head”
“almost always their thoughts are bigger than their words but they really feel heard when I share their thoughts”
“once you made them feel heard you have to say okay well either I accept or don't accept this feedback”
From the episode
How to fire people with grace, work through fear, and nurture innovation
Matt Mochary (CEO coach)