Sturdy Leadership (The Three Pilot Announcements)
Validate someone's experience as real without being overwhelmed by it — like a pilot who contains the cabin's fear and flies the plane
- Difficulty
- Advanced
- Time to result
- ~weeks to results
- Steps
- 4
- Confidence
- 93%
Sturdy leadership means doing two distinct things at once: seeing another person's emotional experience as real for them, while staying anchored in your own experience so you're not overwhelmed or dictated to by theirs. Kennedy dramatizes it as three possible pilot announcements during turbulence — dismissive, over-correcting (handing over control), and sturdy — and only the third makes people feel safe.
Origin
Dr. Becky Kennedy uses a turbulent-flight metaphor to make 'sturdy' concrete, a word she favors because it conjures an image and a felt sense. She argues parenting has overcorrected toward letting kids' feelings dictate decisions, and maps all three announcements onto both parenting and workplace scenarios.
Core principles
- 01Sturdiness = hold two things at once: their experience is real for them AND your experience/judgment still stands
- 02Dismissing someone's feelings makes them feel less safe, not calmer
- 03Letting their feelings dictate your decisions is terrifying to them — the leader looks unfit to lead
- 04Some decisions are leadership decisions, not consensus decisions, because you hold information others don't
How to run it
- 1
Name and validate their experience as real
Acknowledge the feeling without arguing it away: 'I hear everyone screaming back there. That makes sense.' 'I get that you're upset.'
Watch out Don't slide into announcement #1 (dismissing: 'stop making a big deal out of nothing') — it makes people feel unsafe.
- 2
Hold your own experience and the decision
State that their feeling doesn't change your judgment or the decision: 'This turbulence, though it scares you, it doesn't scare me.' 'I'm turning the TV off. That's my decision.'
Watch out Don't slide into announcement #2 (over-correcting: 'does anyone want to fly the plane?') — letting feelings dictate the decision terrifies people who need a leader.
- 3
Give a reason and express faith you'll get through it
Offer a brief why and confidence: 'here's some version of why we're doing it and I know we're going to get through it and I have faith in us to weather this turbulence.'
Pro tip For a policy change: acknowledge it's hard AND real, give the reason, then affirm the team will get through it.
- 4
Return to doing your job
Contain the moment and go back to leading: 'I'm actually going to get off this loudspeaker right now to go back to do my job.'
In the wild
#1 dismisses ('stop screaming, you're making this awful'). #2 hands over control ('does anyone want to fly the plane?'). #3 is sturdy: 'I hear everyone screaming back there. That makes sense... This turbulence, though it scares you, it doesn't scare me. I'm actually going to get off this loudspeaker right now to go back to do my job.'
→ Only #3 produces a 'deep breath' — the passenger's worry is contained because the leader sees their experience yet isn't overwhelmed by it.
Kennedy scripts: 'I want to share something that I know some people are going to have a reaction to. Here's the new policy... I get it. This is a big change and you're right. This does make things hard... and here's some version of why we're doing it and I know we're going to get through it.'
→ People feel led rather than dismissed or abandoned, even when they dislike the decision.
Common mistakes
Converting a leadership decision into a consensus vote
When you're the only one with certain information, defaulting to 'okay, we'll just get consensus' abdicates leadership on a decision that isn't a consensus decision, and unsettles the people relying on you.
Dismissing the feeling to shut it down
'Stop complaining' makes people worry you don't see the real problem and that it takes an outburst to get your attention — they feel less safe.
Is it for you?
Best for
Leaders and parents facing emotional reactions to hard, non-negotiable decisions
Not ideal for
Genuine consensus decisions where others hold equal information and shared ownership is the goal
From the transcript
“This sturdy leader is able to see my emotional experience as real for me and not be overwhelmed by it themsself”
“I can see someone else's experience as real for them, but I can still hold on to my experience and so I'm not overwhelmed by…”
“it's a decision that's a leadership decision, not a consensus decision”
“I have faith in us to weather this turbulence”
From the episode
A child psychologist’s guide to working with difficult adults
Dr. Becky Kennedy