Strategy Not Self-Expression
Feedback's goal is behavior change, so cut everything that doesn't serve it — usually 90%.
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~weeks to results
- Steps
- 3
- Confidence
- 94%
A filter for giving constructive feedback: the goal is to motivate the other person's behavior change, not to express your accumulated frustration. Trim everything that doesn't contribute to that goal — often 90% of what you wanted to say — and keep only the 10% that makes them want to change.
Origin
Framework by Wes Kao, born from her own experience as a conflict-averse person whose feedback used to turn into venting sessions.
Core principles
- 01Feedback usually comes after you've been frustrated for a while, which contaminates it
- 02Venting in the name of 'sharing impact' makes people defensive or demoralized — it's counterproductive
- 03The goal is behavior change; anything not serving it is noise
- 04You need to discharge the emotional energy before the conversation, not during it
How to run it
- 1
Vent first — somewhere else
Before the conversation, get the frustration out with a therapist, partner, or friend so you enter grounded and calm.
Pro tip If you skip this, a single raised eyebrow from the other person can set you off and derail your whole script.
- 2
Define the behavior change you want
Clarify the specific outcome — what you want them to do differently — before deciding what to say.
Pro tip Ask 'what do I want to get out of this conversation?' rather than 'how do I make sure they know how badly they messed up?'
- 3
Trim to the motivating 10%
Cut everything that doesn't make the person want to change. Keep only what helps them understand the benefit of changing, to themselves and those around them.
Pro tip Kao trims roughly 90% of her initial impulse and keeps only the 10% that drives change.
Watch out Whenever she doesn't do this, she almost always regrets it.
In the wild
Kao describes her old pattern as a conflict-averse person: she'd suppress irritation until she couldn't hold it in, schedule a one-on-one, and it would turn into a venting session listing every way the person had harmed her. The result was either a demoralized colleague or a defensive argument about whether it was really that bad.
→ Counterproductive; reframing around behavior change made a big difference.
Common mistakes
Prioritizing being heard over the outcome
Needing the other person to fully understand how badly they messed up feels good but is rarely the best path to actually changing their behavior.
Is it for you?
Best for
Managers and colleagues giving constructive feedback, especially conflict-averse people who let frustration build up.
Not ideal for
Situations that genuinely call for documenting harm or accountability rather than forward-looking behavior change.
From the transcript
“I have a framework called strategy not self-expression”
“the goal is behavior change. So if that's the goal, trim everything else that you were about to say that does not actually contribute to…”
“usually for me that's trimming 90% of the initial stuff that I want to say and really keeping only that 10%”
“you want to basically get all that energy out because otherwise you bring it into the conversation”
From the episode
Become a better communicator: Specific frameworks to improve your clarity, influence, and impact
Wes Kao (coach, entrepreneur, advisor)