The Power of Repair
Rebuild trust after a bad moment by owning your part, naming the impact, and stating what you'll do differently
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~days to results
- Steps
- 4
- Confidence
- 95%
Repair is the act of going back to someone after a moment you're not proud of, taking responsibility for your part, acknowledging the impact, and describing what you'd do differently. Use it any time you've snapped, cut someone off, or handled an interaction badly. It reestablishes trust and connection so the other person cooperates rather than gets defensive.
Origin
Dr. Becky Kennedy grounds this in her clinical psychology training: she recalls a professor teaching that secure attachment is defined not by getting it right every time but by the presence of repair. She reframes it as the number-one relationship strategy for both parenting and leadership.
Core principles
- 01Perfection is not the goal — 'perfect is creepy'; only nonhumans can be perfect
- 02Secure relationships are defined by the presence of repair, not the absence of mistakes
- 03Repair reestablishes trust and connection, which drives cooperation and productivity
How to run it
- 1
Go back to the person
Return to the person after the moment you didn't feel proud of, rather than pretending it didn't happen or waiting for it to blow over.
Pro tip Don't wait to feel perfectly composed — the willingness to return is the whole mechanism.
- 2
Take responsibility for your part
Name what you did without excusing it. E.g. 'Earlier in the meeting, I totally cut you off. I used a really harsh tone.'
Watch out Naming context ('stuff was going on before the meeting') is fine, but it is not an excuse — say so explicitly.
- 3
Acknowledge the impact
Recognize how your behavior landed on them, separating your disagreement with their point from how you treated them.
- 4
State what you'll do differently
Close with the change you're committing to: 'I'm sorry. I'm going to work on that.' This is what reestablishes trust.
In the wild
Kennedy scripts a workplace repair: 'hey, earlier in the meeting, I totally cut you off. I used a really harsh tone. Honestly, I did disagree with what you were saying, but that's no excuse for me to talk to you the way I did. Stuff was going on before the meeting. I'm sorry. I'm going to work on that.'
→ Trust and connection are reestablished, so the person cooperates better and you avoid defensive, run-on conversations.
Common mistakes
Chasing perfection instead of repairing
Believing there's a goal to be perfect keeps you from repairing at all. The human condition is wanting to do well and messing up repeatedly — repair, not perfection, is what builds secure relationships.
Is it for you?
Best for
Leaders and parents who snapped, cut someone off, or handled a moment badly and want to rebuild trust
Not ideal for
Situations with no rupture to repair, or where the 'apology' is a manipulation tactic rather than genuine ownership
From the transcript
“the idea of going back to a person after a moment we didn't feel proud of, taking responsibility for our part, maybe acknowledging the impact…”
“secure attachment is just defined by we're all going to mess up, but secure attachment has an adult who's willing to repair”
“There's just nothing to reestablish trust and connection like repair”
From the episode
A child psychologist’s guide to working with difficult adults
Dr. Becky Kennedy