Non-Violent Communication (OFNR) for Difficult Conversations
Observation, feeling, need, request — get mutual understanding instead of trying to win the argument
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~days to results
- Steps
- 4
- Confidence
- 94%
A four-step structure for raising something that isn't working with another person, designed to produce mutual understanding rather than to convince the other person they're wrong. Use it whenever a feeling and an unmet need are driving you toward a difficult conversation with a colleague, co-founder, or partner.
Origin
Lockett explicitly attributes this to Marshall Rosenberg's Non-Violent Communication book and framework. She reframes the goal of conflict: people come in armored to prove their point, but the real aim of any conflict is to create mutual understanding. She notes it echoes the 'net' concept in Carol Robin's Stanford 'Touchy Feely' Interpersonal Dynamics course.
Core principles
- 01The goal of any conflict is mutual understanding, not proving the other person wrong
- 02Stay on your side of the 'net' — sharing your emotions and needs; crossing to blame or assumptions triggers defensiveness
- 03Professionals have feelings; ignoring emotions makes them bubble up and drive you unconsciously
- 04No model can fix a person who enters rigid and full of blame — enter with humility and your own 100% responsibility
How to run it
- 1
Observation
State what happened factually — something you could photograph and no one would argue with. E.g. 'In the last three sprint planning meetings, you didn't invite me or share the roadmap.'
Watch out Do not smuggle judgment into the observation; keep it to verifiable fact.
- 2
Feeling
Express your emotions without blame: 'I felt anxious not knowing what was on the roadmap; I felt confused about whether that meeting happened.'
Pro tip A real feeling is an emotion word — a sensation in the body. Naming feelings is genuinely hard for technical leaders and worth practicing.
Watch out 'I feel like you're being a jerk' is not a feeling. If you can insert 'like' or 'that' after 'I feel,' you're about to state a fact or judgment, not an emotion.
- 3
Need
Name the universal human need behind the feeling — clarity, collaboration, connection. You're helping them understand your unmet need, not demanding anything.
- 4
Request
Make a small, easy-to-meet request as an olive branch — e.g. 'Next time, include me as optional or send me the roadmap afterward.' It should be easy for the other person to succeed at.
Pro tip Invite their side: 'Are you open to hearing what happened for me?' — once you're vulnerable, they're more likely to share their vulnerability.
Watch out The other person doesn't have to meet the request; they may counter-propose. The point is understanding, not compliance.
In the wild
A CEO's co-founder had gone from dynamic-duo partner to constantly criticizing and undercutting his decisions — exhausting and confusing. The CEO used NVC to raise what was happening for him rather than to attack.
→ It surfaced that the co-founder was frustrated with how the CEO spent his time — wanting him on product vision, not out selling. They had a totally different conception of the CEO's role, which the conversation finally made visible.
Common mistakes
Trying to win instead of understand
Coming in armored to prove the other person wrong invites a competing story and defensiveness; aim to help them empathize with your experience.
Disguising judgments as feelings
Saying 'I feel like you...' crosses the net into blame or assumption and provokes a defensive response.
Is it for you?
Best for
Anyone needing to raise a recurring unmet need with a co-founder, colleague, manager, or partner without triggering defensiveness
Not ideal for
Situations where the other party is rigid and blame-filled, or where you refuse to own your own contribution to the dynamic
From the transcript
“the goal of any conflict is to create mutual understanding.”
“It's from Marshall Rosenberg's non-violent communication has a book and a framework. So it's four steps. The first step is observations.”
“as soon as you cross the net to blaming someone else or making an assumption, they're going to have a defensive response”
“It should be an emotion word after I feel.”
From the episode
A guide to difficult conversations, building high-trust teams, and designing a life you love
Rachel Lockett