The Humane Firing Process
Warn, deliver, let them release emotions, then become their active agent to their next job
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~weeks to results
- Steps
- 4
- Confidence
- 92%
Most managers fire badly because they believe they're hurting the person, so they avoid or botch it. Mochary reframes firing as helping someone leave a role where they aren't critical for one where they're needed. The delivery follows a fixed sequence — pre-warn the amygdala, deliver the news, actively make them release and feel heard — and then the manager acts as a true agent, reaching out to employers on the person's behalf.
Origin
Refined by Matt Mochary across ~40 CEO engagements; incorporates the 'active agent' model of Hollywood agent Michael Ovitz (CAA) and Wei Deng of Clipboard Health.
Core principles
- 01The bar for who to let go is unknown until you've let someone go you'd almost regret
- 02Surprise is what hijacks the amygdala; a few seconds of warning softens it
- 03Emotions must be actively released, not suppressed, for the person to recover
- 04Being an 'agent' means actively reaching out to employers, not passively offering a reference
- 05Everyone is good at (and passionate about) something you can recommend them for
How to run it
- 1
Pre-warn to disarm the amygdala
Open with 'this is going to be a difficult conversation — take a few seconds to prepare yourself.' Seeing the emotion coming stops it from fully gripping the brain.
Pro tip Ask 'are you ready?' and wait for a yes before delivering the news.
Watch out Surprise triggers the amygdala hardest; skipping the warning makes the person get gripped without even knowing it.
- 2
Deliver the news clearly
State plainly that you're letting them go and why.
- 3
Invite them to release their emotions
Say 'my guess is you're feeling a lot of anger, fear, sadness right now — would you be willing to share what you're feeling and thinking?' Then actively listen so they feel heard.
Pro tip Sitting with their pain (not fleeing it) is what makes them feel you're not abandoning them.
- 4
Become their active agent
Help them discover their ideal role and actively reach out to employers you know on their behalf, like a CAA agent — not a passive offer of a reference.
Pro tip It takes only one to two hours of outreach; 'I've got this great person' from a respected voice gets immediate attention.
Watch out A passive 'happy to give you a reference' is not being an agent — the value is in active outreach.
In the wild
To learn where 'the bar' was, Mochary let go a positive, capable outperformer whose work had been absorbed by others. He confirmed his number-two couldn't cover everything (she asked for two weeks, then said she could), let him go with compassion, and became his agent. The man wanted to start a company.
→ After 30 days Mochary doubted the call, but by 2-3 months the org was performing better with fewer people; he remains friends with everyone he's let go, his litmus for a humane process.
Common mistakes
Conflating the decision with who gets hurt
Managers avoid firing because they focus on the person's hardship. That collapses two separate questions — whether to act, and how to soften the impact — into paralysis instead of a clear decision plus humane implementation.
Offering a passive reference instead of active agency
Saying 'I'll give you a reference if you need one' puts all the work on the fired person. True agency — proactively contacting employers — is what turns a fired employee into a lasting friend rather than an enemy.
Is it for you?
Best for
Managers and CEOs who must let go a specific individual and want them to land well and stay on good terms
Not ideal for
Terminations for cause/misconduct where active advocacy to new employers would be inappropriate
From the transcript
“hey this is gonna be a difficult conversation I want you to take a few seconds and prepare yourself”
“the way the amygdala gets triggered is often because of surprise and so if you give someone just a few seconds to mentally prepare then…”
“the key is in my opinion you become their agent like a you know like Michael Ovitz a CAA agent you help them find their…”
“everybody I've let go I believe anyway that I continue to be friends with so that shows me that the process by which I let…”
From the episode
How to fire people with grace, work through fear, and nurture innovation
Matt Mochary (CEO coach)