Don't Be Stingy With Words
People can't read your mind — make appreciation explicit, and never fake it.
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~ongoing to results
- Steps
- 3
- Confidence
- 85%
A relationship and leadership principle: people genuinely do not know what's in your head, so unstated appreciation registers as no appreciation at all. The practice is to be explicit and generous with genuine appreciation — while never faking it — because most people assume others already know they're valued, and they don't.
Origin
Jeetu Patel's deepest lesson, crystallized at his mother's deathbed when she said she had no idea he loved her so much, despite their being extremely close; he now applies it deliberately in business and family life.
Core principles
- 01People don't know what's going on in your mind unless you tell them.
- 02If even someone who knows you inside-out can misread your feelings, colleagues certainly will.
- 03Genuine, explicit appreciation compounds energy and grows your circle of relationships.
- 04Never fake it — if you don't love or value someone, don't say you do.
- 05Value must be added first and non-transactionally, not only when you need something.
- 06Pay it forward — pass on what you learned to the next person.
How to run it
- 1
Assume nothing is understood implicitly
Operate on the premise that people cannot read your mind — unstated appreciation is invisible to them.
Pro tip Patel's mother, who knew him inside and out, still had no idea how much he loved her until he said it explicitly.
Watch out Assuming 'they already know I value them' is exactly the failure mode that leaves people feeling unappreciated.
- 2
Be explicit and generous with genuine appreciation
When you find someone rewarding, tell them clearly how much they mean — don't be stingy with words.
Pro tip Patel draws real energy from this, and finds his circle of friends keeps getting bigger as a result.
Watch out Don't make it fake — if you don't genuinely feel it, don't say it, or the words become hollow.
- 3
Add value first, non-transactionally
Hardwire yourself to add value to others for a long time before you ever need anything, rather than showing up only to ask.
Pro tip Most people love to help, so ask for help — but only after you've made your value-adding non-transactional.
Watch out Going to people only when you need something makes the relationship transactional and erodes trust.
In the wild
Sitting at his mother's hospital bedside at 1am, crying, Patel heard her say she had no idea he loved her so much — despite everything he did being to keep her okay, because she couldn't see how he was thinking.
→ He concluded that if even his mother didn't know, no one in the business world would know his feelings unless he was explicit — and made explicit appreciation a lifelong practice.
After Patel posted 'don't be stingy with words' on LinkedIn, a stranger told him it moved him to visit his parents in India every two months and tell them he loves them.
→ Demonstrated the pay-it-forward compounding of the principle beyond Patel's own relationships.
Common mistakes
Assuming people already know you value them
People cannot read your mind, so unspoken appreciation registers as none — even those closest to you can completely misread your feelings, as Patel's mother did.
Faking appreciation or making it transactional
Hollow or self-interested praise is worse than silence; appreciation must be genuine and value must be added first, not extracted only when you need something.
Is it for you?
Best for
Leaders and individuals who feel appreciation but rarely voice it, wanting stronger, less transactional relationships.
Not ideal for
Situations demanding restraint or where forced verbal appreciation would ring false — the principle explicitly forbids faking it.
From the transcript
“people don't know what's going on in your mind is so important that my biggest lesson from that was don't be stingy with words.”
“even my mother that knows me inside and out didn't know how much I loved her. That there's no chance that people in the business…”
“And don't make it fake... if you don't love someone, don't tell them you love them.”
“hardwire yourself into adding value to others and then eventually that value starts showing up”
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