Mochary's Script for Difficult Conversations
Defuse the amygdala by warning first, delivering the message, then letting the person release emotion.
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~days to results
- Steps
- 4
- Confidence
- 90%
Matt Mochary's four-move script for hard conversations (layoffs, bad news): warn the person a difficult conversation is coming so surprise doesn't trigger their amygdala, deliver the message, invite them to release their emotions, then sit with them and help them through it. The warning is the key mechanism because surprise is what grips the whole brain.
Origin
From Matt Mochary, full-time CEO coach who has worked with CEOs of OpenAI, Coinbase, Notion, Rippling, and AngelList.
Core principles
- 01The amygdala is triggered largely by surprise; removing surprise blunts the fear/anger/sadness response.
- 02Give the person a few seconds to mentally prepare so they can see the emotion coming.
- 03After delivering hard news, actively allow the person to release their emotions.
- 04Sitting with someone's pain, rather than fleeing it, is part of helping them through it.
How to run it
- 1
Warn that a difficult conversation is coming
Open with 'this is going to be a difficult conversation, take a few seconds to prepare yourself, you're not going to enjoy this,' and confirm they're ready.
Pro tip The few seconds of preparation stop the amygdala from being triggered as hard, because they can see the emotion coming instead of being surprised by it.
Watch out Surprise is what grips the whole brain and drops someone into fear/anger/sadness without them even knowing they're in it.
- 2
Deliver the message clearly
Once they say yes, share the news directly — e.g. 'I'm letting you go, here's why.'
- 3
Invite them to release their emotions
Acknowledge the strong emotions and ask permission to hear them: 'my guess is you're feeling a lot of anger right now, fear, sadness — is that true, and would you be willing to share what you're feeling and thinking?'
Pro tip Many times they will open up and let it out; allowing that release is important.
- 4
Sit with them and help them through it
Make them feel heard, actively listen, and stay with them in the pain rather than running from it, then help them get through it.
Pro tip Actively listening signals you're not trying to leave them alone with the pain.
In the wild
Mochary reports that within 60 days of each layoff, CEOs told him the company operated better on an absolute scale — more features, more code, higher NPS — because fewer people meant less coordination overhead.
→ He concludes the ideal is to keep teams super small (as WhatsApp, Instagram, Linear and Notion did), reframing why the hard layoff conversations were worth handling well.
Common mistakes
Delivering hard news by surprise
Without a warning, surprise grips the whole brain and the person is flooded with fear, anger or sadness they can't even recognise, making the conversation far harder.
Running away from the person's emotions
Delivering the message and then leaving them alone with the pain denies them the release and the sense of being heard that helps them get through it.
Is it for you?
Best for
Managers and founders who must deliver layoffs, terminations, or other hard news humanely.
Not ideal for
Routine or low-stakes feedback where a formal warning would feel disproportionate.
From the transcript
“whenever I have a difficult conversation I started off hey this is going to be a difficult conversation I want you to take a few…”
“the way the amygdala gets triggered is often because of surprise and so if you give someone just a few seconds to mentally prepare then…”
“my guess is you're feeling a lot of anger right now fear sadness is that true and if so would you be willing to share…”
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