Boundaries Are What You Will Do
A real boundary is something you will do that requires the other person to do nothing — anything else is just a request
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~weeks to results
- Steps
- 4
- Confidence
- 95%
Kennedy's testable definition: a boundary is what you tell someone you will do, and it requires the other person to do nothing. Most complaints that 'people don't respect my boundaries' are actually unmet requests — and framing a request as a boundary hands all your power to the other person, because success then depends on their compliance. Real boundaries keep your power with you and let you validate the other person's feelings separately.
Origin
Dr. Becky Kennedy identifies boundary-setting as the half of leadership most people lack (the other half being validation). She contrasts a request ('please don't press the buttons') with a boundary ('I'm going to stand between you and the buttons'), using the elevator-buttons scenario with her non-people-pleasing child.
Core principles
- 01A boundary = what YOU will do, requiring the other person to do nothing
- 02If it requires the other person to comply, it's a request — and there's nothing wrong with requests, but don't confuse them
- 03Framing a request as a boundary gives all your power to the other person
- 04Boundaries pair with validation: hold the boundary AND acknowledge the feeling
- 05Threats and punishments ('no dessert') undermine your authority and cause 'job confusion'
How to run it
- 1
Test it against the definition
Ask two questions: Did I tell them what I will do? Does it require them to do nothing? If either answer is no, it's a request, not a boundary.
- 2
State what you will do
Declare your own action: 'I'm going to stand between you and the buttons because I'm not going to let you press them.' 'If by the time I turn around you're still here, I'm going to pick you up and carry you to the car.'
Pro tip Anchor it in intention/being on the same team: 'The reason I'm going to carry you is I don't want to be late and then yell at you.'
Watch out Don't attach threats or removed privileges — that hands your power back to the other person and undermines your authority.
- 3
Follow through and be ready to act
Actually do the thing you said, physically if needed ('I would block my kid because I'm ready'). The boundary only exists if you enforce it yourself.
- 4
Validate the feeling while holding the boundary
Once you've held the boundary, do the other half of the job: 'I know you wish you could press those buttons' — validate without caving.
Pro tip Expect protest, especially with a new boundary. Treat a tantrum as a sign the boundary is working: 'this is going according to plan.'
In the wild
A request ('when we go in the elevator, it's really important not to press all the buttons') fails the test. The boundary: 'When we go into the elevator, I'm going to stand between you and the buttons, sweetie, because I'm not going to let you press the buttons cuz other people are waiting.' If the kid lunges, she blocks him, then validates: 'I know you wish you could press those buttons.'
→ Her power stays with her; she doesn't fall back on threats or on giving 'sorbet-isn't-dessert' after failing to set the boundary.
Rather than 'go to the car or else,' she states her action: 'I'm going to turn around and take a deep breath, and if by the time I turn around you're still here, I'm going to pick you up and carry you to the car, even if you're crying and kicking and screaming.'
→ The child eventually learns the rules of the game through repeated real boundaries — not through being rewarded for the parent's good parenting in the moment.
Common mistakes
Calling a request a boundary
'My kid/colleague doesn't respect my boundaries' usually means you made a request and outsourced the outcome to them, giving away your power.
Threatening instead of acting (job confusion)
Adding 'if you do X, no dessert' asks the other person to do your job for you because you don't want the emotional fallout — it frustrates everyone and undermines authority.
Is it for you?
Best for
Parents and managers who feel their limits are constantly violated and default to requests or threats
Not ideal for
Collaborative negotiations where a mutual request or agreement is genuinely more appropriate than a unilateral limit
From the transcript
“Boundaries are what you tell someone else you will do. And it requires the other person to do nothing”
“I think you're probably making a request, which by the way, we do a lot. There's nothing wrong with requests, but it's not a boundary”
“you're giving all of your power away to the other person”
“when you set a true boundary, especially if it's new, your kid will tantrum and protest”
From the episode
A child psychologist’s guide to working with difficult adults
Dr. Becky Kennedy