I Believe You + I Believe In You
For anyone struggling, pair 'I believe you' (one foot in the hole) with 'I believe in you' (one foot out) — doing both at once is magic
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~days to results
- Steps
- 4
- Confidence
- 93%
When someone is struggling or anxious, the complete response combines two things most people do only half of: 'I believe you' (validating that it's genuinely hard) and 'I believe in you' (holding a more capable version of them than they can see right now). Kennedy pictures the struggler in a hole: you need one foot in with them (belief in their experience) and one foot out (belief in their capability) so you don't collapse into the hole together.
Origin
Dr. Becky Kennedy frames anxiety support as a formula and argues modern culture over-indexes on 'I believe you' while forgetting 'I believe in you.' She illustrates with a child who's lost his starting soccer spot and a kid whining to have a puzzle finished for him. Lenny notes he used it successfully with his wife.
Core principles
- 01'I believe you' = validate that the thing is genuinely hard (one foot in the hole)
- 02'I believe in you' = hold a more capable version of them than they can access right now (one foot out of the hole)
- 03Doing only one leaves the person either dismissed or collapsed-into
- 04'It makes sense' is a high-leverage validating phrase
- 05Taking a hard task away from someone often steals the feeling of capability that would propel them
How to run it
- 1
Diagnose which side is easier for you
Figure out whether you naturally lead with 'I believe you' (empathy) or 'I believe in you' (encouragement) — then deliberately strengthen the weaker side. There's no morality to it; awareness is the tool.
Pro tip If you tend to say 'come on, it's no big deal, you can do it,' practice the 'I believe you' half instead.
- 2
Say 'I believe you' — validate the difficulty
Get one foot in the hole: 'I believe you. This is a hard project. You're totally right. You've never done something like this before. It makes sense.'
Pro tip 'It makes sense' and 'I'd be nervous if you weren't nervous' are ready-made validating lines.
Watch out Don't put both feet in the hole — if you can't see a more capable version of them, you've collapsed in with them.
- 3
Say 'I believe in you' — hold their capability
Keep one foot out: 'the reason we think you can take on this project is because we know you can figure this out. I'm here to answer questions, but I want you to hear that from me.'
Pro tip Name the future feeling: 'the way you'll feel at the end, you're going to feel so proud of yourself — that's the feeling that propels you to do the other amazing things.'
- 4
Don't take the task away
Resist finishing it for them; doing so removes the feeling of capability. 'I don't want to take away the project from you cuz I think I'm taking away that feeling.'
In the wild
A whining child says 'do it for me, finish it for me.' Instead of caving, Kennedy: 'You're right, this is a hard puzzle. It makes sense you're frustrated... But I want to tell you why I'm not going to do this for you. There is no better feeling in the world than watching yourself make progress on something you didn't think you could do. And I will not take that feeling away from you.'
→ The child keeps ownership of the task and the capability-building feeling that comes with completing it.
'I believe you. You really don't want to go to soccer practice... the first practice after you lose your starting spot sucks.' Then one foot out: 'you're going to go to practice today... you're going to come home having survived. I'm going to be there for a hug... that's the hard stuff that's going to help you in life.'
→ The child feels both understood and seen as capable, and goes rather than being either dismissed or rescued.
Common mistakes
Only validating (both feet in the hole)
Doing 'I believe you' without 'I believe in you' collapses you into the hole with them — they can't see a way out because you can't either.
Only encouraging ('it's no big deal')
Skipping 'I believe you' makes the person feel unseen; their difficulty is real and needs acknowledging first.
Is it for you?
Best for
Leaders and parents supporting someone through a hard, anxiety-inducing task or setback
Not ideal for
Toxic situations (not just ordinary disappointment) where the goal isn't building resilience through the discomfort
From the transcript
“I like a good formula is this combination of I believe you and I believe in you”
“you need someone you trust to have one foot in the hole with you”
“if we can't see a more capable version of our kid, then they can access in that moment, we've collapsed into the hole with them”
“There is no better feeling in the world than watching yourself work on something and make progress on something”
From the episode
A child psychologist’s guide to working with difficult adults
Dr. Becky Kennedy